Married and Navigating Jewish Life

Blogging about marriage and relationships

Huge jump in traffic last few days. Problem has to do with all the married trash going ahead and cheating.

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Given the fact that we actually know several married couples actively getting sep/divorced due to cheating and major marriage problems we are actually really upset about it all.

I think that the huge spike in interest in tefilin dates (which is why we got closest to 300 hits the last few days – each!)

Probably has a connection to what I saw on frumsatire concerning a site for frum people to find other people to get ‘laid’.

The problem is not what is going on about it but how did these problems come up? Why are these people doing these things to their spouses? Why are people cheating or swinging their way through an intimate act that should be between husband and wife?

It really is hard to judge some of these people so readily. Come on let us be realistic. If someone is in a horrible marriage do they not deserve some happiness? Some form of release from what they consider to be a prison of sorts?

A marriage shouldn’t be dead for half the time.

And that is where lays the problem.

Jewish people have this perverse need for the following concept – that divorce is horrible. That shidduch is the only way. That you just need to accept how people are in a marriage. That isn’t true!

Yes society might be influencing people. People might get caught up in addictions (sex, porn, drugs, etc) but that is only a tip of the true problem.

Honestly much of the frum world does not learn about marriage and sex until they are about to get married/married. This means you are learning as you go along. This shouldn’t be the case. Everyone needs to be knowledgeable about all aspects of marriage BEFORE they get married. They need to be given the time to actually understand and look into what they like and do not like.

As an example:

A bochur might of been raised that the wife does everything at home. Changes the babies, cleans, cooks, etc even if she works. It worked for his mother.

Now either he could marry a girl who agrees with it or he can end up with a girl who learned that marriage is more about shared obligation. She had a father who was much more involved, that cooked, changed diapers, etc. They NEVER discuss this between one another and why would they? Many couples do not discuss every day marriage life but focus on their backgrounds and likes and dislikes that are here today. They end up fighting constantly and have severe marriage problems because of their different outlooks.

OR

Take a guy is hates being naked. Doesn’t like to be seen even nude by anyone at all. He doesn’t even go to the mikvah. So when he gets married he goes very strict. The room is pitch black, he won’t show his wife anything, he fumbles around in bed, doesn’t bother to want to see her, etc. His wife on the other hand has no problem with wanting to show off her body. She is attracted to her husband and wants him to be attracted to her. His revulsion of being nude and showing himself off puts her off. She feels unattracted. However she has gotten pregnant and is having a kid. The rest of their marriage is somewhat okay but in the bedroom NOTHING is fine. She feels more rejected. She doesn’t get dressed up, doesn’t care about how the house looks, etc. Eventually their loves turns into…something that is a contract because of the kids than about how they really feel about one another.

Bottom line is that we know personally, with a dollop of liberal changing of the stories – that these things do happen.

Honestly when is the Jewish world going to learn that we need to find solutions to these problems instead of figuring how to bury it deeper.

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Written by frombrooklyn

March 31, 2009 at 3:06 PM

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