Married and Navigating Jewish Life

Blogging about marriage and relationships

Heter to postpone children – in any fashion. Why is it so hard? Readers share your stories

with 7 comments

We have been reading up over by CK lately that there seems to be more posts about getting the heter to either 1) wait to have children OR 2) to prevent pregnancy due to medical reasons. Many people seem to have a problem getting the heters they need.

There are many reasons why people want a heter. They might want to enjoy being married. Having financial difficulty. Medical issues related that would become worse or fatal if one became pregnant. All of these reasons have one thing in common – none of these people have a wish to never become pregnant. They want to have children. Or they have already had the number of children required and want to take things slower. Unfortunately for many people they seem to be stuck and become resentful about this entire issue.

So we are wondering, who has had this issue? What were your reasons to postpone? Did you have a hard time finding a heter or did you just do it on your own?

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Written by frombrooklyn

September 9, 2008 at 2:15 AM

7 Responses

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  1. We are postponing….its been a year and a half since we got married. We did not ask for a Heter – and I am honestly not comfortable with asking and frankly, I don’t want an answer of “no”. I am 27 so I’m not so young, but we need to be more stable financially first. I know myself, and I know how anxious I would be if I were pregnant and struggling.

    Anonymous

    September 9, 2008 at 3:37 PM

  2. why should it be something that is so hard, if its a legtimate reason it should not be a issue.

    confused

    September 9, 2008 at 8:05 PM

  3. Its more like find the right rabbi, like someone told me hat rabbi cohen will give automatically 2 years.

    BTW, what happened to the blogroll?

    Jacob da Jew

    September 9, 2008 at 11:14 PM

  4. Not sure what happened to the Blogroll Jacob, will attempt to fix it

    Confused – it is very hard sometimes to find a Rav who will agree. Many people ‘like’ their shul rav and go to them or will go to ‘big rav’ that they hear about and not realize that they need to really shop for a compatible marriage halacha rav.

    Anon, we wish you luck in it 🙂

    frombrooklyn

    September 10, 2008 at 12:04 AM

  5. I know of many frum/chasidish women who do things on their own. not giving a heter for a woman who has her own mind and body and wants to have a baby when she feels like it backfired and most don’t ask.

    Let them be realistic and walk in a woman’s shoes for once.. Raising kids is so stressful what do these rebes know? They don’t raise the kids the mother does.

    Esti

    September 19, 2008 at 1:13 PM

  6. I have heard that some rabbis do not consider financial difficulties to be a reason to allow birth control. Unless they are willing to foot the bills, they should let the couples decide what they can and can not afford.

    personally, i think that this a personal matter and couples should just do what they feel comfortable with and leave the rabbis out of the picture.

    Rich

    September 24, 2008 at 8:52 PM

  7. This was a major issue for me. I went on birth control after I got married.

    I had just started an incredibly challenging graduate school program. My husband was working. Both my parents and my in-laws could not afford to help us financially and since they work full time, none of them would not be able to help in the event of a baby. There was no way I could have handled a new marriage, a baby, and school all at the same time, and quitting school was not an option.

    I asked for a heter. Received one for six months. Had difficulty getting another six months, but after nearly falling apart I managed to get another six months. I calculated the exact timing I would need to be able to finish school with a baby and my husband both got a raise and started school, himself so I did not use the full second six months. I ended up being on the birth control eight months in total.

    Anonymous because this is personal

    September 28, 2008 at 3:47 AM


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