Married and Navigating Jewish Life

Blogging about marriage and relationships

Follow up to our ‘Sex Guide’ Post

with 7 comments

Which you can read here

Lot of good comments over there, please feel free to share your comments with us!

It does seem from the comments that there are books out there that are supposedly there for people to learn and for Rabbis/Teachers to use. However bringing those seforim up was not the issue we wished to bring up.

Why is is that the only places where these halachos/customs/ideas concerning sex in seforim that are either 1) Scattered throughtout creation (meaning the ideas and halachas are not in one place 2) A book brings together all the halachas but also skews it with the authors viewpoint or feelings on the matter (or for that matter what they felt was ‘decent’ at the time which made it a ‘custom’ which should be surmountable today given the fact that customs change with the land you live in – for those who do not know this see what is happening in Israel on a wide matters of halacha, esp. kitnious, due to the majority of Israeli/Sefardim VS the Ashkenazim there) 3) The book is only in hebrew and cannot be purchased unless you know a guy who knows a guy (sort of like buying drugs from a friend of a friend in a Yeshiva) or 4) Is in English but is so closedminded and uses only the halachos of Ravs that they felt was okay even though there has never been a concensus on what every halacha pertaining to martial matters has been so therefore it is more of what they hold is right instead of what the pure halacha is.

Given today’s society we live in it is vital that we shelter our children from the sexual awareness that permeates the air we breathe in America. However does this mean we need to keep our young people who are getting married/ready to get married or those who have gotten married from being able to understand just the halacha and what they can do in the bedroom?

Hashem created our bodies that they should receive pleasure when we are trying to create children. Martial Relations is about ensuring that the could can enjoy that aspect of the marriage since it is unique in creating a mental and physical connection between Husband and Wife. It should not be abused. It should not be dishonored.

How are we supposed to know what we can truly do and not do? Should we go ahead and read the goyish books on this matter? Allow our minds to be swayed by Lesbianism, BSDM, Voyeurism, Sadism, etc that might reach the cores of our beings if we would go out and decide to read up on the matter?

Truly there is a time for a sefer by a Rav who would actually come forward. Heck, someone who would come forward and make a book that is designed to be ready by a Jewish Man and Woman who are relatively frum and who wish to know more about sex and don’t wish to read about the abnormal behaviors or designs of the Goyim when it comes to sex.

Beyond that, if Jewish Girl HSs could give ‘Kallah Classes’ in their senior year then every Jewish HS should be able to give some form of classes about what the holiness of marriage/sex is and what they should be doing about it in their minds, their devotion to Hashem, and how they can get prepared for marriage in the future. While boys marry later than girls, they should be taught what is acceptable behavior, the tznius of themselves, and how they should be tznius with women/talking to women. Many girls marry at the age of 17/18/19 to make it acceptable for them to learn all about it.

Yeah, so we’re radicals. Wow, we want people to have access to information is a Jewish Style of way instead of learning it from the Goyim. We want practical marriage advise about sex and marital issues instead of this ‘oh lets be happy and think of your proper place in marriage’ books that are lining the shelfs of Jewish Book Stores. We don’t want to have people have to pay over $150 an hour to a marital therpist in Boro Park for issues that they might of avoided if they learned more about the true martial aspects of a Jewish Marriage. We would like to see practical advise for our teenage children as they suffer from those hormones inside of themselves. We want to see real answers to real issues and not having Schools, Rabbis, and Parents/Married People hide their heads in the sand and just say ‘oh well’.

Time to get with the times. Go over to or See the posts that are truly real on those sites and see how heartbreaking it is to hear about some of these issues. See how it is tearing some people apart because they have no where else to turn to, that they do not have a Rav to ask or a sefer that could of informed them of these ideas that could of helped them a long time before they have gotten to that point.

Time to wake up.


Written by frombrooklyn

October 21, 2007 at 12:40 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

7 Responses

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  1. wow, time and time again you come out with posts that everyone should be talking about, but no one will! congrats on another important fact! the jewish community is ignorant of sex good luck fixing the situation


    October 21, 2007 at 1:29 AM

  2. I feel like having a physician or ob/gyn who knows halacha is helpful.
    Personally I have a great relationship with my GP and if I have questions he can usually answer them.
    If people felt more comfortable with there doctors i think there would be a lot less confusion.


    October 21, 2007 at 9:52 PM

  3. Sara,

    It would definately help if the Dr/ob/gyn knew halacha and several have gone out of their way to learn it. However; you wouldnt go to the Dr about casual marriage advise or every time you have a question about the bedroom. You definately wouldn’t ask the Dr (at least we think) about how the first night should go or how to do foreplay correctly. These things should be either from parents/Rabbi/or helpful books. Parents generally wouldn’t give such advise, Rabbis/Teachers hardly do it, and there aren’t any helpful books written for frum people out there.


    October 22, 2007 at 1:47 AM

  4. problems with some of the suggestions:
    the calm kallahs discussion site is not a halachic one, so the info and advice offered is not necessarily what halachic Jews should be reading. some blogs have even suggested that people post outrageous suggestions that are completely antithetical to halacha there to mock the whole concept.

    As to doctors — even those with frum patients are not always really up on or sensitive to halacha. For ex. after I had a C-section, the doctor I saw (who was affiliated with a hospital that serves many Jews and had a partner who was the daughter-in-law of a rabbi) suggested condom use as a method of birth control. That is probably the halachically least favored method to use. Also I have found that most ob/gyn’s do not broach the subject of one’s sexual satisfaction at all. And one needs to have some knowledge just to know how to frame a question.

    That is part of the problem of an innocent kallah taking her class. Of course the teacher would answer a question, but one may not know what to ask. I know my kallah instructor did not offer anything really helpful for this at all. It is laughable, but the only sex advice she offered after explaining kishuy of a male eyver, and I am quoting accurately was: “you’re allowed to touch your husband’s eyver.” That is not something most virgin brides are ready to jump into on the wedding night.

    You should know that this is not a uniquely Jewish problem. Many women do not find the physical relationship all it could be and many men are completely clueless when it comes to getting beyond the mechanics.

    another anon

    October 23, 2007 at 2:04 PM

  5. Anon, please state who you are refering to, some of what you are commenting on are from another commentator and some is from me.

    Any online forum is not the best way to go about a halachic solution to your issues. Going to your Rav is. There are a lot of bad advise and comments put out on these forums (this goes for ALL FORUMS. Don’t stick with bashing Calm Kallahs. The other forums I frequent are just as bad) HOWEVER there are plenty of good advise and suggestions being offered as well.

    People are responsible for their own judgements. No one tells you to read it, or to follow the advise, etc. It’s up to you.

    This is why we wish the Ravs would get together and do something about this tragic issue but they aren’t.


    October 23, 2007 at 2:39 PM

  6. As soon as I got up to the line about teaching this stuff to high school seniors I couldn’t read the end in my haste to leave the following comment:

    NO WAY. If my grade were to be taught about sex this year it would be an absolute DISASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. IT’S UNTHINKABLE.


    November 15, 2007 at 3:39 AM

  7. Flatbushgal,

    You might be right, but we think for the most part it would be an important thing to learn about. If we can learn Gemara Kedushin in Junior High/HS we can learn about the basics of anatomy and how to deal with the opposite gender too.


    November 15, 2007 at 5:37 AM

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