Married and Navigating Jewish Life

Blogging about marriage and relationships

Someone was asking about frequency of sex and it wound up turning into the following comment

with 5 comments

The thread was called How long have you gone without sex?, and as my normal self didn’t take me more than a minute to respond. Now why are we reposting it on this blog? Because, we felt that our writing in that particular thread was good advise and wanted to share it with our readers. So grab the popcorn and read on.

What we initially wrote:

2 weeks due to nidda and 6 weeks due to the birth of our child…normally, avg never more than two days

Someone commented back to us the following:

You say you have a baby b’h. Are you really serious about averaging two a day. First of all Isnt your wife ever too tired. Arent you guys ever in a fight? And what do you do for a living? Doesnt your job keep you out late sometimes? [I am not a sexist, I apologize if I am talking to Mrs. Brooklyn.]

How is it possible.

Does anyone else out there relate to my question? Or am I just missing out big time?

We saw that he had misread so we commented the following:

1) You misread my post. I said we havent gone more than two days without sex.

2) Yes, on average, if we arent tired/busy with work (usually only Shabbas or Sundays) we do it twice a day

3) When one of us is tired, we tell each other that. However, I hold myself to what my Chason Teacher told me and that if my wife wants, and I am not on the verge of falling asleep and unable to keep my eyes open, I should see to her needs. I find the strength to go for the half hour it takes to make love to her. Why? Because I love her and I want to make sure that she gets what she is entitled to. Beyond that, we both try and please each other in that regard and there has never been a time that I have ever done it because it is an obligation, nor has she done that either. We do it out of love and we find the strength we need. There is a difference between tired and exhaustion…start finding the line and then you’ll see what you can and cannot do at night (or during the day).

Plus, who says you need to do it at bed time? Find the time during your child’s nap during the day, in the morning, etc. Bed time is not sex time. Sex time is when you make it.

4) What we both do for a living doesn’t matter for this discussion. You either find the time and strength to have sex when you want to or you don’t. Work is not an excuse to cause issues with your marriage and family life. If come home late for whatever reason, why would that affect that?

5) Fights? Of course we fight. However, we do make up, and we don’t go to bed angry or upset with one another. Its a rarity that such an issue would affect that. The point of marriage is work through the differences between one another and forge a single bond and create a new family. Allowing fights to affect one of the fundamental foundations of marriage is something people shouldn’t allow. If it does affect yours (and yours as whoever is reading this) suggest you consider thinking of either having a heart to heart talk with your spouse or see someone about it.

Bottom line people, when you have marital relations with your spouse the only two people that affect when it happens and what happens during it is the two of you. If you allow work, fights, disagreements, the inability to please the other, and even tireness to affect it then you are allowing it to affect that aspect of your lives. We all have choices and the choice is are you going to allow this to be affected or not. As long as the two of you are okay with your choices then what difference does it make how often you are together?

Now someone commented favorably about our post but asked another question:

FromBrooklyn,
You guys are an inspiration. Unfortunately, in some marriages, there is one spouse who has no problem for instance, going to bed angry. Or sometimes another spouse isn’t interested in sex. When my DH gets upset, and very often it happens over literally next to nothing, he goes to bed angry, wakes up angry, and we are definitely not having sex. He constantly tries to improve his anger issues but he hasn’t reached the finish line yet.
Oh, and I forgot about the length of time we didn’t have sex after the kids. That was the hardest ever!

And our response:

That is true, but as far as I know, Chason and Kallah Teachers (well they are supposed to teach) that you aren’t allowed to go to bed angry with one another.

You can be hurt, you can be upset, but in the end…yes, you didn’t like what your spouse did but what are you going to do about it. Are you going to take control of the situation and not allow it to affect your marriage or are you going to allow it to control your marriage.

If people do have problems allowing fights and such instances affect their marriage to the point that they are going to bed so angry with one another and not having sex due to it, you have a bigger problem than just not sex. Those kind of issues need to be rectified before it possibly causes bigger problems.

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Written by frombrooklyn

April 26, 2007 at 4:35 AM

5 Responses

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  1. Those kind of issues need to be rectified before it possibly causes bigger problems.

    Yes. My ex husband never allowed a reconcilation – he had to be right – all the time – no matter what.

    Which resulted in 10 years of no sex. Yes 10 years.

    Which ended in court.

    Barbara

    April 26, 2007 at 5:38 AM

  2. Great advice. It is sad to see sometimes how something so simple and fundamental as respecting one’s spouse (not going to sleep angry, communicating, looking to please etc.) gets kudos. ad meyah v’esrim….

    duvy

    April 26, 2007 at 10:13 AM

  3. to whover thinks that going to bed with issues being resolved has to realized not everyone has an opportunity to do that. Many times one of the sides is not willing to reconsile or may not be up to it. has anyone ever heard of “i’ll sleep on it” many times some people jump to conclusions or get upset too angry too fast sometimes they need a good nite sleep to get over it.

    becky

    April 26, 2007 at 8:05 PM

  4. Becky,

    That is true, sometimes you cannot deal with the fight before going to bed and you need the night to get over it. That doesn’t mean you should go to bed without talking about it.

    Unsure of what level of anger/upset/fight you are talking about but I would think that someone should not go to bed so angry with the other person that they would want to leave them/kill them. An attempt should be made to try and at least begin fixing the issue and realize you still love one another.

    frombrooklyn

    April 26, 2007 at 9:37 PM

  5. I never go to sleep with Da Wife angry at me.

    jacob

    April 30, 2007 at 3:17 AM


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