Married and Navigating Jewish Life

Blogging about marriage and relationships

The pill, patch slapping, insertion drug thats in with the Orthadox

with 5 comments

A recent topic on a forum we go to brought us to this writeup from us.

Birth Control:

Now many people have been throwing around the idea that you it is a punishment from Hashem for not having children. Now many Ravs will say its a possibility, but in all probability that is usually not the case. There are so many factors to the inferitility problem that has gripped the Orthadox community that we might never know the rea;l reasons and to use it as a paddle to backside of those who want to use BC in the Orthadox Community is rubbish.

On the other hand, this is what we believe.

We have never thought of infertility as being a punishment by Hashem, no matter what the reasons, and no matter what actions you had done.

However we don’t understand, except for severe cases or medical reasons, why anyone thinks that you should be able to use BC because you aren’t ready for kids and you want to get married. What, you want permission to be able to have sex? You don’t want to live in your parents house? You are tired of your family? Want to move to another State? Pray tell, WHY ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? Because you are in love with someone?

Love doesn’t make any sense on it either, it takes time to fall in love and most Jews rush through 3 months of engagement and get married then without ever really getting to know the other person 100%. So I would gather that some people want BC to counteract that idea. Here is a better idea. Have longer engagements. Wait longer to have a wedding. Get to know the other person better before you get married.

Otherwise you are going into a marriage wanting BC to get to know your spouse better because you didn’t have enough time before hand and you just want to be with them, have sex, and not have the consequence of potentially creating a child. And who are you to decide that? You had free will to go ahead and get married now, you are not supposed to have free will to decide when and where you will have your children. Hashem is the only one that decides such things.

Heters for legit reasons for one things, but using the above kind of logic, which so many people are using now to justify the BC craze that is gripping the Orthadox Community is insane.

Someone pointed out to us that it seems that we are connecting Marriage and Children together when they are two seperate mitvahs…just because they are two seperate mitzvahs doesn’t mean that they are deeply connected.

You cannot have marriage without thinking that you won’t have a child. How many people go into a marriage and say ‘I dont want children’ (talking Jewish here people). It is a rediculous notion to suggest that the two can be seperate at all.

BC is being used primarly as an escape hatch for those who don’t know their chasson or kallah enough before the marriage. So you tell me which one is better, that people go on BC, have the potential side effects, snub Hashem’s plan in the face (and we aren’t thinking of consequences for that we are only pointing out that your free will could be going against what your mazal should of been – and thats a different blog post for another time) OR maybe go ahead and get to know one another for longer than a few months and wait on getting married?


Written by frombrooklyn

February 21, 2007 at 3:58 PM

5 Responses

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  1. Most people take BC before the wedding to ensure they do not have a chuppas nidda. They generally go off of it, after the wedding.


    February 21, 2007 at 4:33 PM

  2. What you say are correct for some, however, many many many Orthadox now are resorting to 6 or 12 month heters because they feel they aren’t ready to have children/they need to get used to their spouse. Those reasonings are always interconnected and its sad that the rush to get married and the rush of engagement and the wedding have caused this to happen.


    February 22, 2007 at 2:19 AM

  3. Thanks for adding my blog to your links.

    I agree and disagree with your post. If the reason that people are taking BC is because they went out 3 times and now want to get to know each other better, then I agree with you.

    However, your logic extending ALL BC requests to the above reason is faulty. How do you know what really goes on?

    Second, why the rush to have kids? Once the wife is preggers, she turns into a whole different person. She is sick for the first 3 months, then she has to pee every 5 minutes etc. Let the couple enjoy quality time without having the baby screaming in the backround. A few months is not too much.

    “OR maybe go ahead and get to know one another for longer than a few months and wait on getting married?”

    It is not possible to REALLY know someone until you live with them. Did you really know your wife that well before you married her?

    Your idea of having couples wait longer to become married is flawed. What will they do in the meantime- look at each other and say “Gee, only 5 more months and then we can “be” together. Unless you do it the Chassidish way-not seeing each other for that period of time-in that case most definitely not getting to know each other.

    Don’t tell me that you got married not to have sex. ‘Cause then you are so full of it. How long can a couple hold off without wanting to be with the other?

    “You had free will to go ahead and get married now, you are not supposed to have free will to decide when and where you will have your children. Hashem is the only one that decides such things.”

    I got news for you, buddy. Free will is still applicable.

    In summary, I resent the fact that you pass judgment in that arrogant tone “Follow this way or you are going straight to hell”.

    BTW, I personally did not use BC and now have a lovely young daughter.


    February 22, 2007 at 2:17 PM

  4. Jacob, sorry you think my post was sounding like “Follow this way or you are going straight to hell”

    My post on my blog was specific to one particular group that is growing a lot in Brooklyn, and this more along the lines of the Yeshivish Community that is pushing to get married younger, faster, and generally tries and go to kollel route.

    More than likely, I could of been more specific about who I was talking about more, however, I do feel that there are too many Jews in Brooklyn getting this heter for reasons which are not reasons at all for such a heter. The Ravs that allow this are doing a disservice to the entire Jewish Community. By allowing BC to be given out so ‘freely’ then you are telling couples they can get married, rely on BC, and spend care free time getting to know one another when they should of been given time before hand – and when I say that I enclose within those words all the reasons that are not medical, financial, or can cause problems shalom bayis.

    And no, I don’t think getting pregnant immediately can cause problems with shalom bayis, because if they would, then there were other problems that caused it and the pregnancy only helped it come out.

    Also, please remember, I have my opinion and you have yours. My opinion, from which I learned from my numerous Rebbeim, studies, and personal opinion of life is that you do not decide 3 things 1) life 2) money and 3) children. Hashem does. You have free will to change the mazal for all three things but in the end Hashem decides what you get. I am glad you have your own opinion and wish to express it, however do not tell me that I am wrong because my opinion is different and I will not tell you wrong because your opinion is different.


    February 23, 2007 at 4:07 AM

  5. […] The pill, patch slapping, insertion drug thats in with the Orthadox […]

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